Lesson 023 · posted Mon Sep 7 2026

Need to Apologize?

What Judaism says about saying sorry: five ideas, each with its source.

5 things Judaism can teach us about saying sorry. Sorry is a verb. So is forgiveness. Ten days to get it right. One phone call is the whole thing.

1. 1

   Go to the person.

   בין אדם לחברו

   “Yom Kippur does not atone until he has appeased his fellow.”Mishnah, Yoma 8:9

   Yom Kippur clears what's between you and God. For what's between you and another person, the Mishnah says: you must go to them first. No heaven without house calls.

2. 2

   Say the thing you did.

   וידוי

   “I have sinned before You by doing such-and-such.”Mishneh Torah, Laws of Repentance 1:1

   Maimonides: confession must name the act. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is not an apology. "I did this, and it hurt you" — that is.

3. 3

   Ask three times.

   שלוש פעמים

   “If he still refuses, the sin is now his.”Mishneh Torah, Laws of Repentance 2:9

   The law: ask forgiveness up to three times, with witnesses. If they still refuse after three asks, the debt moves to them. You have fulfilled your obligation.

4. 4

   Don't be cruel.

   אל תהי אכזרי

   “It is forbidden to be cruel and refuse to be appeased.”Mishneh Torah, Laws of Repentance 2:10

   The same law binds the one who was hurt: you cannot be cruel and refuse forgiveness. When someone has asked three times, you are bound by law to forgive. Forgiveness is also a mitzvah.

5. 5

   Repair is proven in the rematch.

   תשובה גמורה

   “What is complete repentance? The same moment returns, and he does not do it.”Mishneh Torah, Laws of Repentance 2:1

   Maimonides: full teshuvah is when you face the same situation again and choose differently. The apology is words. The rematch is the proof. That's how you know it landed.

Art on the slides: Pieter de Hooch, Interior with a Young Couple (probably ca. 1662–65) · Bartolomé Estebán Murillo, Don Andrés de Andrade y la Cal (ca. 1665–72) · Canaletto (Giovanni Antonio Canal), Piazza San Marco (late 1720s) · Camille Pissarro, A Cowherd at Valhermeil, Auvers-sur-Oise (1874) · Pierre Puvis de Chavannes, Tamaris (ca. 1886–87) · Sir Joshua Reynolds, Mrs. Lewis Thomas Watson (Mary Elizabeth Milles, 1767–1818) (1789) · Sir Thomas Lawrence, The Calmady Children (Emily, 1818–?1906, and Laura Anne, 1820–1894) (1823). The Metropolitan Museum of Art, open access.